GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
this just has baby written all over it
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
