They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How does one acquire holy water?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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