There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
