Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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