I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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