I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My breasts were aching with rage.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
