I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
