i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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