He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
