I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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