i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
