we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
