Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I understand Curling. That high.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
