ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
