She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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