I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
