my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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