I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
