Cold hands, warm shart.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
