it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
