Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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