dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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