i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
