finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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