Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
