The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
