I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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