Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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