One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
