Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
