I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
