How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
