end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
