where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
