i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
