i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
a search helicopter?!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
