just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
