My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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