I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
this boner is exhausting
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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