I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Houston, we have a blender
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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