I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
