Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
