i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
