Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm at about main and main street
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
