Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
