You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
