can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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