Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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