I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
