I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
No subtext here. People are naked.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
