shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
