those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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